Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Pain doesn't last, Memories do..

3 yrs ago tonight, I was expecting a miracle...After coming home from the ICU and many visits to several funeral homes checking out the costs(in preparation for the worst case scenario), I received a call from the nurse..she had nothing new and positive to report and told me to expect the worst..

Before that day, I had never dealt with people at the funeral home before.. had absolutely no clue what the process was and how expensive it could be... my dad didn't want to go with me and my sister.. so this job ended up falling on me and my sister...that would have to be the lowest point in my life...that afternoon, both my sister and I just couldn't take it anymore.. ... my sister was so strong, but she finally broke down in tears... there was nothing i could do other than telling her.. "just let it out..it's ok to cry"...I was crying so much in those weeks that my eyes became very sore...I was exhausted.. I had not been to work for almost a month..

The next day, the doctor in charge of the ICU came to the waiting room and told us it would be only a matter of one or 2 hours left for her to live..she said if her heart stopped, she would not try to bring her back...it was very cruel of her to do that..she basically delivered that line without any emotion...I said to her what would it take for her to save my mom's life.. would you want me to be on my knees to beg you, I asked... and I did, but she showed no emotion and got on with other patients

I finally had permission to allow other relative members to come for a final visit... my aunt and uncle came and she told us to take a break and go grab some lunch...5 minutes later..there was an announcement over the speaker asking us to go back to the ICU immediately..."She left...she is with God now...she left very peacfully"....Later that day.. my aunt said to me, now the love you have, give it to the next person you meet in your life

Today, I was in meeting with clients all day...it kept me busy so I didnt have to think(I only had to focus on selling toothpaste, denture cream, upset stomach remedies, etc)...I kept myself occupied for the rest of the afternoon and evening coz I didn't want to think...I just wanted to feel numb..wishing it would just go away... sister left me a voice mail asking me if I would like to have dinner tomorrow night as it would be mom's 3rd yr anniversary....I said not really initially even I really wanted to...I didnt want to as it would just bring back alot of painful memories...but I wanted to as I needed to feel I still had a family..

"Pain doesn't last, Memories do"..but why does it still hurt?


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