Dreams are lies?

Three years ago, I stopped celebrating Chinese New Year...I have too many bad memories...3 years ago, Chinese New Year marked the beginning of the second round of chemo therapy for my late mother. We were told the cancer cells had spread to her lung a month before that(for someone who led a heathy lifestyle all her life, it was a shock)it was around X'mas...Because she felt tired after her chemo, we didn't do anything special..and that was my last Chinese New Year celebration with my parents and sister. A few months later, a week after mother's day, which was also the same day as my sister's birthday, she left us..Mom probably didn't want us to see her leave, she picked the time when we took a lunch break..5 minutes after we left ICU to the cafeteria, we heard an announcement on the speaker urging us to go back to the ICU, but it was too late...My sister and I made a promise that we would hold her hands until her last breathe...we didn't celebrate mother's day and my sister spent her 30th birthday in ICU, looking after mom... It was Victoria long weekend...first time of my life shopping for a casket and funeral home.. I told my mom before she was sedated that we would go to the carribean that summer to celebrate when she was finished her chemo therapy...it was her dream...instead, the money I saved up for the trip ended up paying for her funeral....how ironic...The day after mom's funeral, my partner at the time told me he had been unfaithful during the month I was at the hospital... It was the year of Goat.

Last year, my sister went back to visit Hong Kong before CNY. So, CNY's eve, I had Chinese take out in my mother's bedroom. I bought some flowers early in the afternoon and decorated her bedroom with the bouquet...Later that evening, I "had dinner" with her..

I had dinner with my sister last night.. she said our aunt would like us to go over to her place for dinner tonight.. I declined..Why? This is ths same aunt who made us sit at the same table as her contractor and neighbours at his son's wedding last summer. The table was located right in front of the washroom.. nice personality. Oh, btw, she is my mom's youngest sister, who decided to go on a vacation the day of my mom's funeral...very homophobic and religious.. believes all gays are evil..all her life, she envies my mother, partly because of me. To date, no one in our/her family could make it in another country except me. See, all my mom's siblings live overseas. Some immigrated to Australia many years ago, some here. They all have kids around my age, but none of them is able to find a decent job in the countries they emmigrated to. All these years, there has been this silent competition going on, which I don't even realize until recently. Because I studied in the States, my evil aunt put in all her energy to make sure his son(the one just got married last summer) also go to college in New York even though he is not that interested. I am just glad that I can now choose not to interact with them if I don't want to..

Anyway, happy chinese new year